Top 5 Reasons Why Every Doomsday Cult So Far Has Failed

#1 - Prophets

On the whole, doomsday cults are a sad affair. If your leader isn't a lunatic, he sure behaves like one, claiming that some god is speaking through him, as if that were a GOOD thing. In the old days, people like him were dressed up as broccoli and thrown into sewers.

We of the Corona Cult believe that prophets are like middle management: They need to be wiped from the face of the earth. Nothing shall stand between you and the goddess (for practical purposes - most idiots are heterosexual men - we will assume that Corona is female). No interpreter is needed to dilute her gospel. She sees you and yet she smiles at you. What joy, what bliss!

#2 - Unprofessional P.R.

Joining a doomsday cult, you should be clearly aware of the dangers awaiting you: The survivors will analyze you to shreds, leaving no social media account unturned to uncover your hidden defects, dreaming up traumata you must have suffered from (remember the day you found your pet hamster, its neck in a little noose, hanging from the top of its cage? don't worry, they will) and trying every trick in the book to make your death fit into their narrative (This, by the way, is also the reason why keeping videos on your laptop is usually a bad idea.)

The Corona Cult will thwart the survivors' plans to rationalize your death by providing them with conflicting bits of disinformation, an infinite system of black mirrors reflecting each other in the star-littered void, and silkily horrifying dreams wheneve

r they watch an arthouse movie. One moment they will feel sure that they understand, only to break into tears the very next second when a disembodied voice will whisper sweet nothings into their ears. And we're still only at the commercials.

#3 - False Promises

"Follow me to gain eternal life" would be a typical lie employed by lesser cults, as would be "It won't hurt at all!" Small wonder that surviving cultists are frustrated, even spiteful once they've stopped vomiting.

When you join the Corona Cult, no promises will be made at all. No comfort will be given, no new information will be provided to help you cope with the world. You're still on our own. You'll still die. And yet, the benevolent void, incarnated in our goddess, will smile at you, once you let her enter your heart. She may also smirk. Or make snide comments throughout the day, or suddenly break into tears while you're having lunch. Until, one fine day, she will visit you, and gladly, wearily, you will follow her lead. Promised!

#4 - Pathos

Almost as bad as false promises. This particular brand of nauseating nonsense often involves generalized anger, French philosophers and vegan memes.

The Corona Cult avoids all cheap sentiment. Sure we can play all notes on every instrument, yet no music will result. We are the screams that the Erich Zanns of this world are vainly fiddling against. We are the mocking laughter heard whenever somebody falls off a slope, accidentally sets himself on fire or starts a world war while trying to buy cigarettes. As we realize that in the end all is naught, we rejoice not only in the wickedness of the world and the madness of men, but also, and foremost, in our own.

#5 - Cultists Staying Alive

Obviously a no-go. Where is your pride?

If you, as a member of the Corona Cult, will stay alive, you are excommunicated by definition. Go ahead, live your life. Tank antidepressants, mixed with vodka. Vote. Masturbate. Then brush your teeth. We couldn't care less. You are expelled. Worms will eat your liver and get drunk over it, locusts will lay their eggs in your eyes and squirrels will, depending on your gender, gnaw on your balls or furnish your vagina into an outhouse. Your pain will be eternal, as you will seek out death but he will flee you. You will watch the universe yawning and the stars coming together to form the smiling face of our savior, yet you shall not be seen and you shall not be comforted. We never liked you in the first place.